Nostalgic

Nostalgia intruded on the montage of ideas that echoed in my mind. Each step resonated the longing that I was trying to outrun. Even the cold, which stole my breath, was unable to numb the persistence of this emotion. I kicked it into overdrive. Certainly alittle faster cadence would release this jammed state of thought. No change. The dark was quickly wrapping itself around me. I wasn't ready to stop and give into the idea, give into the invasion. I took my eyes off the road and pointed them toward the sky. The horizon was barely holding an amber glow and the twinkle of silver dust was appearing overhead. I screamed. This only convinced me that yes, indeed, somewhere else was far better than here. I stopped fighting and let the idea tumble for the remainder of my run. Finally, true surrender. I fell on the frozen earth and wept. I wept because I am tired of holding in. I wept because I don't know why I am here, and why I can't be somewhere else. To be where I really want to be, surrounded by the people that I really want to be with. I layed their a long while staring at the life I've always known dimly lit and warm behind frosted windows. All the familiarity offered only temporary comfort. I rolled onto my back and let the bitter night air cover me. I looked again to the sky and there, amongst the sea, rose my answer. There is so much more than here and I am so much more than this. I have tasted true compassion that comes from being fully dedicated to service. I have felt the joy that comes from being surrounded by common understanding. And I have felt the peace that comes from living a life of purpose. It's not wrong for me to want to return to the place that made me feel alive, but this is my stage now and until the curtain falls and a new act follows I must stand to my feet and perform my best. The cold night air steals the last bit of warmth and I rise, enter the familiar and embrace the present.

Metaphoric Teaching

           The fall, with its vibrant colors, changed the way the forest appeared. This season the leaves were heavier, the grass wetter, and the branches thicker. The autumn rains quickly penetrated the leaves which fell upon the cubs that played naively under the bare branches. The cubs tumbled and explored without concern for the passing time. Each day was a constant battle for the mother wolf, who in her years had experienced many seasons and knew that the time was now to learn the ways of survival. She wanted so desperately to show the cubs how to prepare for the future but they were so blinded by present circumstance that they could not see their mother’s intentions. I am that mother wolf.

            I care so much about my cubs; about their past, present, and most especially about their future. Somewhere inside of me is the innate sense that I am responsible to raise these cubs to function in a demanding environment. As the weeks press on, several cubs have caught on to the fact that I am trying to accomplish a great work and have assisted my efforts by encouraging the other, more unruly, cubs. However different the cubs are though, I have found each one holds a special place in my heart and I never feel at ease if one is missing. We are a close pack and one cub’s absence is definitely noticed. How do mothers go on knowing that one day they will have to let go of their cubs?

            There is so much a mother wolf thinks about throughout a day. Foremost, is always her cubs’ happiness and safety. How can I remove all the scars and show them this season is new? Similar to past seasons perhaps, but full of possibilities too. I want to show them that even though bad things happen, there is still joy to be found. I want to open their eyes to all the magical parts to life. Unfortunately this season has brought its pain as well. What I wouldn’t do to take back all the words they’ve heard and actions they’ve seen that will be marks on their memory for years to come.

            There are days though, that cubs take advantage of my good will and optimism. And so I have learned that sometimes mothers need to bite; to clamp down on the extra folds of skin and redirect. Mothers need to be firm but fair – always willing to listen and at times slow to react. Poor decisions need not to be overlooked, especially when they affect the welfare of the entire pack. To reprimand with consistency is the key to morphing wayward behavior.

            Once in awhile a mother has to choose her battles. Some tiffs should be overlooked in order to establish personal problem solving skills. I can not prevent all misfortunes in life but I can hope that through trials they will establish skills to settle disagreements, hurt feelings, or frustration. It’s vital to their survival that I equip them with the necessary strategies to tackle life head on. They need to know that some risks are worth taking. So as the mother wolf my goal has, is, and will be to teach them everything they will need in order to enter the forest and stand alone amidst the changing seasons, falling leaves, strong trees, and whipping winds. I aim to build within each cub a moral compass and ensure that by the time they venture from my den that they have built healthy habits that will allow them to take on the forest with all the majesty a grown wolf would possess.

It's time to move on...

 Though it feels like chaos, there is peace. 

After a late night conversation, I am once again enlightened. It's hard to surrender to what I can not see, but last night I breathed in and I let it all out. Life is bigger than me! Thanks to those who have come along side me each time I let the waves of life pull me down. I am beautiful and I am strong!

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)

The great calling.

Life teaches us that there are appropriate times to talk, appropriate times to listen, and inevitably, appropriate times to be quiet. That spilling forth our ideas out of turn is frowned upon. That interrupting is rude. That breaking the silence is awkward. That talking too fast is hard to follow. That speaking too loud can be offensive.

Life is full of unspoken rules. But where do we learn that our ideas don't matter? Along the road, who plants the seed that our opinions aren't valued?

Jude 1:10

Yet these men speak abusively against whatever they do not understand; and what things they do understand by instinct, like unreasoning animals—these are the very things that destroy them.

Beautiful

For all those who, like me, feel they're not good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough to be loved. You are!

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful 

 

Soothing* Cooling* Refreshing

Ahhhh, Burt's Bees - Nothing else provides such a sudden escape to ruggedness as pulling off that cap and lathering a layer of Burt's Bees Lip Balm on my desert lips. For a moment I am not here in in society but off in the wild....