Love is a confusing thing. How does one know when one is in love? One can be happy in a relationship, be compatible and know that a future would work well, but that isn't love. And if one has never felt love before then how does one know what it is when it comes for the first time? People ask if I've ever loved. My answer is yes, but often with hesitation because I am not sure of the terms I am agreeing to. If love means standing by someone when they do or say dumb things, when their angry, when their childish, and when their wrong...then maybe I have been. If it means adapting my life without complaint to accomodate the relationship. If it means being faithful when the world around puts no value on that word. If it means wishing to hold them in my arms day and night, touch their hand or even look into their eyes. If love is taking the bad with the good but never letting the bad outweigh or outlast the good. If love is full of smiles even when their gone, then I would have to say yes.
What leaves me to question love further is my own attitude during the relationship. Why do I lack a certain passion if I am indeed in love? Why do I react so poorly in certain situations and treat them so unkind? Why am I quick to judge, get moody, or controlling? I don't have the answer to these things. I can only admit that I am human and am inevitably prone to hormones, tempers, and the desire to control my own circumstance. Though I have messed up in the past those experiences taught me to drink red raspberry tea, count to ten, and let go of the reigns. Through retrospect and God's good guidance, I have matured. In the future I desire to nurture his confidence by offering praise, support his passions and creativity by engaging in them myself, honor him by respecting him both in his presence and absence, foster intellectual conversation through discussion, and sustain a spiritual union by asking the Father to be amidst our relationship daily.
Love is learning. I thank God for loving me and teaching me how to cultivate a lasting love here on earth and a love that will last eternity.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Tears On My Pillow
The subconscious, though often caged, reaches through the bars to tempt consciousness into pondering what it willfully tries to forget. Today I am faced with the memory of what my subconscious revealed so clearly in the darkness of night.
There are lines across my face that tell stories of which I am unaware. The words trickle from corners, gently kissing my ears, before they leave their print upon the chopping block that serves as their creator. Each stain a reminder of the emotions that tarry.
Approaching reality but disinclined to neglect the picture still so vividly replaying like the constant flash of a lighthouse's beam, I close my eyes and let the rhythm soothe my quickened heart. In the stillness I hear your voice. It's calling to me but I am no where near. I am weightless in a tubulent world yet suddenly find myself in flight.
Whorling blades bed upon a yellow field. Your voice is pounding in my ears so heavily that within moments my pace equates. I tear through grasses, leap over fallen trees, and bound upwards in a frenzied search. I have one sole purpose - to find you. At last I cross the boundary into familiar land.
Exposed in presence though concealed in thought, I am bombarded by acquaintances. Pulled, pressed, and torn from my mission I give into madness. Deception in hopes of escape. I link arms with smiling faces and journey towards enticing smells. Vibrations alert me to your wishes. Condiments to enhance the flavor is my only excuse to slip through forbidden doors.
They are following but soon I lag behind. I see the gaps are closing - the circle is forming. You throw me a lifeline in your glance but it falls just out of reach and I can't make my body submit to my will. I am frozen. Nashing teeth bring forth scarlet banners that cover my path and weakens my pose. Sinking to my knees I allow death to encompass me.
My skin is awakened by the tracing of new words falling from the sky. I hear you tremble and beckon. I rise in pursuit of you but am taken aback by my own reflection. A sea of eyes luring my attention. I spin in circles but can not break the penetrating truth that this maze is my demise. The song in my heart bursts forth shattering me to the floor. Curled upon an island of green, the words empty like a breaking dam.
There are lines across my face that tell stories of which I am unaware. The words trickle from corners, gently kissing my ears, before they leave their print upon the chopping block that serves as their creator. Each stain a reminder of the emotions that tarry.
Approaching reality but disinclined to neglect the picture still so vividly replaying like the constant flash of a lighthouse's beam, I close my eyes and let the rhythm soothe my quickened heart. In the stillness I hear your voice. It's calling to me but I am no where near. I am weightless in a tubulent world yet suddenly find myself in flight.
Whorling blades bed upon a yellow field. Your voice is pounding in my ears so heavily that within moments my pace equates. I tear through grasses, leap over fallen trees, and bound upwards in a frenzied search. I have one sole purpose - to find you. At last I cross the boundary into familiar land.
Exposed in presence though concealed in thought, I am bombarded by acquaintances. Pulled, pressed, and torn from my mission I give into madness. Deception in hopes of escape. I link arms with smiling faces and journey towards enticing smells. Vibrations alert me to your wishes. Condiments to enhance the flavor is my only excuse to slip through forbidden doors.
They are following but soon I lag behind. I see the gaps are closing - the circle is forming. You throw me a lifeline in your glance but it falls just out of reach and I can't make my body submit to my will. I am frozen. Nashing teeth bring forth scarlet banners that cover my path and weakens my pose. Sinking to my knees I allow death to encompass me.
My skin is awakened by the tracing of new words falling from the sky. I hear you tremble and beckon. I rise in pursuit of you but am taken aback by my own reflection. A sea of eyes luring my attention. I spin in circles but can not break the penetrating truth that this maze is my demise. The song in my heart bursts forth shattering me to the floor. Curled upon an island of green, the words empty like a breaking dam.
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