Does having only a few close friends make them the best friends ever or does having almost a thousand friends mean that you are someone who is easy to befriend, meaning that considering the person that only has a few close friends, they might not be all that friendly?
Urgh, how do I say what I want to say and make sense?
Why do numbers matter? Aren't numbers arbitrary? I mean what makes math work? I wrote out 6 lesson plans for my math unit today and the thought crossed my mind - How did any of this come to be? Why is the circumference about three times the diameter. Why does an array make perfect sense out of a number story on multiplication? All these questions about math carried over beyond lesson planning.
I began to notice numbers. For instance, I have three followers. Three. What does that tell you?
A) I am knew to blogging B) People that may stop by my sight don't view it as worth reading regularly
C) Those three really care about me D) None of the above
Or take for instance the number of comments on a blog. Some have 9, some have 13, some have 2. What is the difference between these numbers? Is one entry resonate better than some? Or do people care more about what one person has to say compared to another?
I have 327 contacts in my cell phone, but if you asked me how many people call me or text me a week I would answer 3. We're back to three.
Maybe I am too negative. Maybe that is why people don't want to be my friend. Maybe I am too intimidating. I don't know how but I have been told that before. That people find it hard to approach me. Maybe I smell...I have been meaning to pick up a new perfume. Maybe I am awkward. Maybe I make people feel uncomfortable. Maybe people don't trust me. Maybe I lack compassion. I was informed tonight that I am not a compassionate person. That was knew.
Whatever the reason is, I have been lonely my whole life. In recent years I have studied the world around me to tried to find my niche; I am still trying and yet I feel like I am failing. I am a middle child and maybe I am cursed with struggling to find my identity, my individuality, and my security. Or maybe it's that I've found it and I don't mesh with anyone else.
Why do people always tell me that I should have more girl friends? Grrr, this makes me so mad! I have girlfriends. I have friends that a girls! I talk and hangout with girls. I enjoy girls. But when it comes down to it, girls don't welcome me and they sure don't invite me. I have to actively seek to be involved and that really hurts my feelings- deep. Guys call me up and ask if I want to watch the game, catch a movie, ride bikes, go run, shoot guns, help them bake, sit around a bonfire, get away for a weekend of camping. Guys call me. Guys make an attempt to maintain a friendship. Every girl friend I have ever had has let me fall by the wayside and has never looked back. It's always me who has to find the time, the courage, the initiative to call and say, "hey, it's been awhile friend...."
Does it make me manly, no! I enjoy outdoor activities, so what. I also enjoy getting my nails done, shopping, and reading Instyle magazine.
Ha, at this moment when I am falling apart at the seams...low and behold a long lost guy friend is calling. I must answer.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Return:Leave :: Sadness:Numb
I picked my favorite color to write this in hopes that it would make the words easier to say.
"This time will be different" is all he said. Taking a long deep, almost burdened breath as if he knew something we did not.
"I won't be in close proximity to any danger. Besides, most of the hostility has moved. This is a safe zone that needs basic security." Again, his tone was shaken as he tried to assure us.
"This is a chance to earn a real living. To break the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. That sorta life is crap. One year in the box and we won't have to do that anymore. It will all be better in the end."
No one bought into his futile plea. We could see the cracks beneath the stone facade. He was scared.
These were the words spoken from a brother I love. A brother who sees no other way out of financial bondage than to take a high paying civilian job as a security provider in Iraq.
How do I feel? I am torn. And once again question if I possess empathy or whatever emotion is it that allows one to express even a little concern about the matter. I am numb. I will remain numb until he boards the plane and is out of reach. Then I will cry and I will long to hold him and I will wish I wrote a letter telling him all the ways he's made me a better person, and thank him for being the best big brother.
How do I know this is what I will do? Because I have done this once before. All the hype surrounding his preparation to leave for the Iraqi War made me mute. I went day to day with a permenant cloud in my mind. Not sure what to say or how to say it, until I watched him walk down the terminal. It was at that moment that the flood gates opened and I wanted to talk until my tongue fell off. But it was too late.
I am hoping it is just the shock, that this time I will be smart enough to say things before it is too late. Two weeks hardly feels like enough time to say all I need to say. How did this go from "I'm just considering it" to "I am going to be on a plane in two weeks. I'll train for a week state side and be overseas after that."
How do I embrace the fact that he won't be here to see me graduate in December. He won't be here when Dillon gets home from California for the holidays. He won't be here to see Ashley make it through nursing school. He won't be here to offer Ethan advice. He won't be here to see Tynan graduate from highschool. He won't be here to hunt with my dad or eat dinners with my mom. He won't be HERE!
Suddenly, me going out of state for grad school is put into a very different light. What sort of impact will my absence have?
The other side of me believes that if anyone can do it, he can. I also know that although he may be able to put himself back in the box -eating MRE's, peeing in a ditch, sleeping on a mat and enduring scorching days and freezing nights, that his absence will undo his wife. She says she will be strong and that "with him gone, maybe I'll actually get some school work done". But her strong-will will fade to worry and over the year she'll spiral into some form of anxious depression. She needs him!
But I have to look at all angles and so far I haven't really considered his. For three years he's been searching for a job. Oh, he has a job, but he has been searching for THE job. A job that makes him feel like he's fulfilling his role as a husband, as the provider. A job that makes him feel like a man. A job that he's proud to wake up and go to. And the fact that Ashley has been burning both ends of the candle being a student and the sole income is slowing been etching away at his heart. He told me not too long ago that if there was anyway he could ease her load he would. If he could give her a break and see her restful and happy it would make him a happy man.
So I have to believe that he is not doing this for the money but for love. And that is noble.
I will miss him. We will all miss him in some form or another but we will all love him just the same.
"This time will be different" is all he said. Taking a long deep, almost burdened breath as if he knew something we did not.
"I won't be in close proximity to any danger. Besides, most of the hostility has moved. This is a safe zone that needs basic security." Again, his tone was shaken as he tried to assure us.
"This is a chance to earn a real living. To break the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. That sorta life is crap. One year in the box and we won't have to do that anymore. It will all be better in the end."
No one bought into his futile plea. We could see the cracks beneath the stone facade. He was scared.
These were the words spoken from a brother I love. A brother who sees no other way out of financial bondage than to take a high paying civilian job as a security provider in Iraq.
How do I feel? I am torn. And once again question if I possess empathy or whatever emotion is it that allows one to express even a little concern about the matter. I am numb. I will remain numb until he boards the plane and is out of reach. Then I will cry and I will long to hold him and I will wish I wrote a letter telling him all the ways he's made me a better person, and thank him for being the best big brother.
How do I know this is what I will do? Because I have done this once before. All the hype surrounding his preparation to leave for the Iraqi War made me mute. I went day to day with a permenant cloud in my mind. Not sure what to say or how to say it, until I watched him walk down the terminal. It was at that moment that the flood gates opened and I wanted to talk until my tongue fell off. But it was too late.
I am hoping it is just the shock, that this time I will be smart enough to say things before it is too late. Two weeks hardly feels like enough time to say all I need to say. How did this go from "I'm just considering it" to "I am going to be on a plane in two weeks. I'll train for a week state side and be overseas after that."
How do I embrace the fact that he won't be here to see me graduate in December. He won't be here when Dillon gets home from California for the holidays. He won't be here to see Ashley make it through nursing school. He won't be here to offer Ethan advice. He won't be here to see Tynan graduate from highschool. He won't be here to hunt with my dad or eat dinners with my mom. He won't be HERE!
Suddenly, me going out of state for grad school is put into a very different light. What sort of impact will my absence have?
The other side of me believes that if anyone can do it, he can. I also know that although he may be able to put himself back in the box -eating MRE's, peeing in a ditch, sleeping on a mat and enduring scorching days and freezing nights, that his absence will undo his wife. She says she will be strong and that "with him gone, maybe I'll actually get some school work done". But her strong-will will fade to worry and over the year she'll spiral into some form of anxious depression. She needs him!
But I have to look at all angles and so far I haven't really considered his. For three years he's been searching for a job. Oh, he has a job, but he has been searching for THE job. A job that makes him feel like he's fulfilling his role as a husband, as the provider. A job that makes him feel like a man. A job that he's proud to wake up and go to. And the fact that Ashley has been burning both ends of the candle being a student and the sole income is slowing been etching away at his heart. He told me not too long ago that if there was anyway he could ease her load he would. If he could give her a break and see her restful and happy it would make him a happy man.
So I have to believe that he is not doing this for the money but for love. And that is noble.
I will miss him. We will all miss him in some form or another but we will all love him just the same.
THANK YOU GOD
Thank you Lord for calming the storm! Who knew a power outage could be such a blessing! Spent quiet time in prayer, was asleep by 9pm, awake by 5am, in the pool by 5:45am, swam 40 laps by 6:35am and was on my way to work by 7am.
Today is going to be a great day! I am energized. I know I am feeling good when I can't stop singing. Here's to having energy all day long!
Today is going to be a great day! I am energized. I know I am feeling good when I can't stop singing. Here's to having energy all day long!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Why can everyone else say what I can not?
My mind races and I want to scream while spinning in circles so that ripples from my voice will penetrate in all directions and offer a temporary tomb of silence where I might actually be able to BE. I am bombarded every moment of everyday with questions and though I welcome many, I despise others. Who can honestly reveal their whole life? As if my plan will be remotely close to reality. Oh, I have begged and pleaded many nights for a revelation but the ringing in my ears must tune Him out.
I can't even find the words to express what it is I am going through. I don't even know what I am going through. One only knows where one has been after having passed. I formulate sentences and I try and scribe them but I get so frustrated. How do I make clarity from the mass of confusion? And then I read. I read it on others blogs, on others facebook pages, in e-mails, in headlines....and their words resonate with some stream of thought and I want to steal their words....a part from his, a section from hers, a word from that, and a verse from there to construct a jig saw puzzle of the randomness that are my thoughts.
Why is it that everyone else can say what I can not? Where do they find the words to relate such feelings? How do they know how to make it all flow?
Oh Lord, calm the storm so I may have acute perception.
Peace from my Past
I wish I could say that every choice I've ever made was the best choice I've ever made, but I can't. What I can say is that I have learned from the choices that I've made.
I wish I could say that every change that I've ever made in my life has been the best thing I've ever done, but I can't. What I can say is that although some changes have been hard to endure, others have been great.
Overall change is good. Change has strengthened me and awakened parts of me that I never knew existed. It's just that sometimes I don't expect change to be so hard. It's easy to get consumed by the struggle of adapting and let negative thoughts flood in which makes it nearly impossible to to see any good in the situation and it's embarrassing to admit that I am having a difficult time adjusting. I don't want anyone to perceive me as weak so I toil on in silence.
I wish I could say that every change that I've ever made in my life has been the best thing I've ever done, but I can't. What I can say is that although some changes have been hard to endure, others have been great.
Overall change is good. Change has strengthened me and awakened parts of me that I never knew existed. It's just that sometimes I don't expect change to be so hard. It's easy to get consumed by the struggle of adapting and let negative thoughts flood in which makes it nearly impossible to to see any good in the situation and it's embarrassing to admit that I am having a difficult time adjusting. I don't want anyone to perceive me as weak so I toil on in silence.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Fire Up Conference: Take Home Nuggets
All the student teachers in the Grand Rapids and surrounding districts attended lectures intended to prepare us to be better teachers. There were 11 different colleges represented. It was a pretty awesome networking experience! I was really impressed with a lot of what I heard. Some points that were of the biggest impact are listed below:
Can I Take My Christian Faith Into A Public School
"Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary use words."
"When will people care what you know? When they know you care."
Question for self : Will my school be more or less likely to hire a christian after hiring me?
"If you portray the fruits of the spirit and display a Christlike character, who can say anything negative about you. Instead, people will be drawn to you. Always live your life as a reflection of Him."
I Peter 3:15-16 says..."always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."
Effective Strategies for Managing Difficult People
Don't put yourself on an island.
We must learn to change our vision. Not worry about the riches of our wallets but reflect on the riches of the heart. Teaching deposits riches beyond imagination.
Don't allow others to distort your view or smother your enthusiasm.
Attitude is contagious. Is yours worth catching?
Kids need to make mistakes so that we can equip them with the tools to create a positive outcome. Not allowing kids to face their fears, to cry, or to fall only handicaps them as adults. The real world is full of let downs and better is the individual that can walk through difficult times and see how it has made them a better person.
Earn the right to be listened to by listening first.
Don't live a lie; Be who you are!
Setting the Table for Success: Strategies for Building a Winning Team
In 1965, on average parents interacted with their child 30 hrs. per week. By 2000, kids were lucky to get 38 min. a week.
Kids are craving to belong; to be a part of something bigger than themselves.
In a team, you win together, but even if you lose at least you lose together.
Leaders develop a vision and enlist others. Create, lead, and be a part of a winning team. You can't pick your students but you can build them.
Hold in high esteem passion, purpose, and integrity, and always protect your enthusiasm.
Make this year, their best year ever, so far...
Guerrilla Tactics in Job Interviewing
The initial hand shake is the number one indicator of self confidence.
Girls should not turn their hand which stems from olden days when the gentlemen would kiss it. And guys should not do a turned hand approach either as it implies having the upper hand.
After the first 30 seconds ,in which you are completely evaluated on your non-verbal signals, you should follow with 2 minutes covering four things:
1. A brief personal history. Typically where you are from. Avoid marital status, religion, and age.
2. Education. Throw in teaser statements that tell them when experience you've had without giving away too much detail.
3. Experiences in the field. What else have you done to get involved.
4. Personal qualities. This should not be a list at the end but rather woven into earlier statements such as, "While studying at Western, I was very detail oriented during research analysis."
The rest was self explanatory, although in the heat of the moment they become so hard to attend to.
2+2 is greater than 4
By working together the result is always more.
Find ways to ensure that nobody goes unnoticed.
"For students and adults from poverty, the primary motivation for their success will be in their relationships." -Ruby Payne
"Every young person has a deep need to belong. Children with the greatest unmet needs for relationships are often those most alienated from adults and peers. Schools and youth work programs must make a planned and concerted effort to nourish inviting relationships in a culture of belonging..."-Bendtro, Brokenleg, Van Bockern
The human brain has developed to function at its best in social interaction than in isolation.
In summary, pursuing a career in teaching without enthusiasm, integrity, and a vision is only setting yourself and the students up for failure. You must be willing to do whatever it takes to build them up- it means long hours, it means sacrificing your lunch break some days, it means opening your home for christian students to meet, it means finding someway to connect with them. Do what it takes and more and you'll have the best year over and over again because you will have taken the kids and yourself on a journey that has strengthened, challenged, and created a better person than before.
Can I Take My Christian Faith Into A Public School
"Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary use words."
"When will people care what you know? When they know you care."
Question for self : Will my school be more or less likely to hire a christian after hiring me?
"If you portray the fruits of the spirit and display a Christlike character, who can say anything negative about you. Instead, people will be drawn to you. Always live your life as a reflection of Him."
I Peter 3:15-16 says..."always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."
Effective Strategies for Managing Difficult People
Don't put yourself on an island.
We must learn to change our vision. Not worry about the riches of our wallets but reflect on the riches of the heart. Teaching deposits riches beyond imagination.
Don't allow others to distort your view or smother your enthusiasm.
Attitude is contagious. Is yours worth catching?
Kids need to make mistakes so that we can equip them with the tools to create a positive outcome. Not allowing kids to face their fears, to cry, or to fall only handicaps them as adults. The real world is full of let downs and better is the individual that can walk through difficult times and see how it has made them a better person.
Earn the right to be listened to by listening first.
Don't live a lie; Be who you are!
Setting the Table for Success: Strategies for Building a Winning Team
In 1965, on average parents interacted with their child 30 hrs. per week. By 2000, kids were lucky to get 38 min. a week.
Kids are craving to belong; to be a part of something bigger than themselves.
In a team, you win together, but even if you lose at least you lose together.
Leaders develop a vision and enlist others. Create, lead, and be a part of a winning team. You can't pick your students but you can build them.
Hold in high esteem passion, purpose, and integrity, and always protect your enthusiasm.
Make this year, their best year ever, so far...
Guerrilla Tactics in Job Interviewing
The initial hand shake is the number one indicator of self confidence.
Girls should not turn their hand which stems from olden days when the gentlemen would kiss it. And guys should not do a turned hand approach either as it implies having the upper hand.
After the first 30 seconds ,in which you are completely evaluated on your non-verbal signals, you should follow with 2 minutes covering four things:
1. A brief personal history. Typically where you are from. Avoid marital status, religion, and age.
2. Education. Throw in teaser statements that tell them when experience you've had without giving away too much detail.
3. Experiences in the field. What else have you done to get involved.
4. Personal qualities. This should not be a list at the end but rather woven into earlier statements such as, "While studying at Western, I was very detail oriented during research analysis."
The rest was self explanatory, although in the heat of the moment they become so hard to attend to.
2+2 is greater than 4
By working together the result is always more.
Find ways to ensure that nobody goes unnoticed.
"For students and adults from poverty, the primary motivation for their success will be in their relationships." -Ruby Payne
"Every young person has a deep need to belong. Children with the greatest unmet needs for relationships are often those most alienated from adults and peers. Schools and youth work programs must make a planned and concerted effort to nourish inviting relationships in a culture of belonging..."-Bendtro, Brokenleg, Van Bockern
The human brain has developed to function at its best in social interaction than in isolation.
In summary, pursuing a career in teaching without enthusiasm, integrity, and a vision is only setting yourself and the students up for failure. You must be willing to do whatever it takes to build them up- it means long hours, it means sacrificing your lunch break some days, it means opening your home for christian students to meet, it means finding someway to connect with them. Do what it takes and more and you'll have the best year over and over again because you will have taken the kids and yourself on a journey that has strengthened, challenged, and created a better person than before.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Is your answer correct?
How do you know your answer is correct?
...because I counted on my fingers.
I laughed hard for a long while. How perfectly honest!
This is the same kid that during walk-a-thon informed me that he wants to be a scientist so he can make potions to save people's lives. Let's hope he doesn't use his fingers to calculate the formula. :)
...because I counted on my fingers.
I laughed hard for a long while. How perfectly honest!
This is the same kid that during walk-a-thon informed me that he wants to be a scientist so he can make potions to save people's lives. Let's hope he doesn't use his fingers to calculate the formula. :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Take me Away
When tomorrows hold no greater promise than today. Help me amongst the tears, amongst the fears, to find the joy to be- still here! Take me from under this darkness and restore the hope that once shed light. For when the dawn breaks, You'll bring beauty from the pain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDnwJaO-0Xc
Life is full of ????????? And everyday I wake up overjoyed at where I am right now in life. But as the day unravels I find myself tensing over the unknown chapters that lie ahead. I read about all those dear to me moving forward in life...getting engaged, having babies, buying houses...and I start to wonder, when will it be my turn? It's hard to balance the required with the biological need. My mind tells me that logically I should finish school and postpone marriage and raising a family until my situation is more secure. Am I the only girl who finds this difficult?
Everyday I interact with twenty-three little people who view me as their hero, and all I want to do is hug them and assure them that their presence in my classroom is so important to me. I want to plant joy in their hearts and let them know that they are brilliant! I want to say the things that, sadly, are never said in their home. I want to remove all doubt that they might not be someone special! But maybe all this exposure is just heightening my hormones and making me wish I had my own children. Funny thing is, I am their hero in the classroom, but when I get home I am just like them.
I need someone to hug me and tell me that I am special! Someone to remind me that the way is paved and my purpose is planned. Sometimes I forget that I have a Heavenly Father who is there to do all those things for me if only I would take a moment to listen and feel his presence. I get so caught up in the worry. I see only what is right in front of me and right now that isn't much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDnwJaO-0Xc
Life is full of ????????? And everyday I wake up overjoyed at where I am right now in life. But as the day unravels I find myself tensing over the unknown chapters that lie ahead. I read about all those dear to me moving forward in life...getting engaged, having babies, buying houses...and I start to wonder, when will it be my turn? It's hard to balance the required with the biological need. My mind tells me that logically I should finish school and postpone marriage and raising a family until my situation is more secure. Am I the only girl who finds this difficult?
Everyday I interact with twenty-three little people who view me as their hero, and all I want to do is hug them and assure them that their presence in my classroom is so important to me. I want to plant joy in their hearts and let them know that they are brilliant! I want to say the things that, sadly, are never said in their home. I want to remove all doubt that they might not be someone special! But maybe all this exposure is just heightening my hormones and making me wish I had my own children. Funny thing is, I am their hero in the classroom, but when I get home I am just like them.
I need someone to hug me and tell me that I am special! Someone to remind me that the way is paved and my purpose is planned. Sometimes I forget that I have a Heavenly Father who is there to do all those things for me if only I would take a moment to listen and feel his presence. I get so caught up in the worry. I see only what is right in front of me and right now that isn't much.
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